"I want to unfold. I don’t want to stay folded anywhere, because where I am folded, there I am untrue.”

— Rainer Maria Rilke 

I’ve been back in China for a little over two months. Besides diving into a job that demands 80+ hours a week (though maybe the real work lies elsewhere), I’ve spent most of my time reconnecting with old colleagues and friends, and slowly adjusting to the cultural landscape of China and Asia.

To be fair, I got everything I wanted - A spacious studio by the river, where I can run while enjoying the most epic view of the city, a great role that I can transfer all my past experiences into every project I touch - along with my CA tanned skin color, I thought I would feel at home.

Except, that is not the case. Not at all.

I am experiencing a deep sense of alienation - I feel like a stranger more than ever — in my own cultural roots, where I once thought I knew everything, I’ve realized just how much I don’t really understand anymore.

It started when I woke up I would immediately sense the humidity in the air, and under my skin. Then, I get food allergies all the time (gluten, always). Or, in the meeting room, our sales director asked me to ‘dress up pretty and be quiet like a lady' because apparently, I 'can't read the room.'

The intense sensation of “in-between” feels so personal. 

I remember when I first moved to the U.S., standing in Berkeley as the sun set in a breathtakingly beautiful scene. My mind went completely blank, and then my body started to shake—that was the first time in my life I experienced a panic attack - something I had only read about before.

This time, there are no visible signs—no shaking body or physical fatigue. But it feels like an invisible wall between me and the world (alienation). On the surface, I have plenty of resources to pursue work I enjoy; I have friends I've known for over a decade, and I have the freedom to choose where and with whom I work. Yet, despite all of this, something feels so alone and so strange, as if I'm just out of reach from truly connecting (self-isolation as a coping mechanism).

Reverse culture shock is for real. So real. 

I think of many clients who shared their immigration stories with me in that therapy room near the Marina in San Francisco. I now have a deeper sense of the despair they carried. Some could only speak in Spanish when it came to certain topics as if the weight of their experiences couldn’t be expressed in English. I understand that all too well—there are things I can only discuss with my Chinese friends in English. (I can’t even pronounce several words in Chinese. Or perhaps, they don’t exist in Chinese culture in the first place.)

I started asking myself these days: if a client came to you with the same struggle, what would you say to her?

Self-love. Self-compassion. (Therapy 101, timeless and classic ^^)

I am not hinting at some glamorous vacation though. In my experience, during these so-called "crazy" days, self-love often shows up in the mundane—simple yet profound. Give yourself time and space, and take it one day at a time. Eat whole foods, exercise, and avoid alcohol. Get enough sleep.

It’s okay to feel a little bit weird today. And chances are, you’ll feel a little weird tomorrow too. And that’s perfectly fine.

(Wrote on the plane, Oct 05, 2024)