Another gem from Rainer Maria Rilke, an Austrian poet and novelist of the early 20th century who was, in my perception, a therapeutic writer:
“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.
Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything.”
These words have resonated deeply with me, especially in recent years, as I’ve grappled with my own questions about identity, purpose, and stability. For a long time, I’ve carried a deep desire to “settle down” with specific symbols—to have one studio, in the same city, on the same street, continue the profession that inspires me, own my own furniture, and nurture a handful of life-long close friendships. Yet, reality has handed me a far more dynamic, ever-changing novelty, and I am just surfing through whatever comes my way.
The past six months, in particular, have been a blur—work, travel, crossing time zones, and cultures—all a non-stop rush. My body feels like it’s still catching up, and there is a growing part of me that craves a pause: a moment to stop, listen, and truly tune in—not just mentally, but physically. I’ve realized I need more space to recharge than ever before. (Reflecting on this, I think back to the six-day-fasting retreat I did before the new year—I still feel grounded and whole from it.)
In contrast to my desire for stillness, a friend recently shared a story of transformation that left me reflecting on the different ways we navigate life’s challenges. He had just “upgraded” his living situation, moving into a spacious two-bedroom apartment in the Mission, complete with a big round table he plans to use for hosting dinners. Yet as he spoke about his present joys, he also shared his past struggles: his PhD days when he lived in his car for years, earning just $30,000 a year and barely surviving. From his confident, grounded vibe, I never would have guessed his history. He always carries a solid sense of Self, is extremely smart and intelligent, and is so easy to connect with. I asked, “Did you ever feel a rush to pass those days?” He shook his head without hesitation.
His answer stays with me. I couldn’t help but wonder: Is “settling down” just Sometime?
“Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
I still don’t have the answer—Or I so have different versions of the answers. Carrying on with perhaps even more questions, I have decided to make some “here and now” changes, rather than waiting for “that exact milestone,” “after I sign a lease,” or “when it is 100% finished.”
I wanted to celebrate many things NOW, just for today.