Lately, a few interesting dynamics have been on my mind.

Dynamic 1: 

A friend of mine has been “finalizing” her divorce for three years. 

They fight, make up, and then fight again. The emotions have run dry. The papers are finished, just waiting to be signed.

But every time one of them gets ready to sign, the other picks a fight. And so, the papers stay in this forever limbo of “to be signed.”

Dynamic 2

My friend C says she wants stability more than anything. She talks about it all the time, like it’s the answer to everything that’s wrong.

But when I look at her life, the past ten years tell a different story. She’s changed careers, moved to new countries, and switched partners. Every time things start to get “a little too close,” she leaves.

She’s exhausted by all the changes. She’s craving stability. And yet, she keeps running. She keeps moving.

Does she really want stability? Or does she just enjoy fantasizing about stability in the novelty? 

Dynamic 3:

I’m visiting San Francisco and reconnecting with a friend I used to have a misunderstanding with.

We used to talk like old buddies, calling each other whenever we felt like it—no second-guessing.

Now, one of us suggests coffee, lunch, or a walk. The other always agrees, without hesitation. But when the time comes, I secretly hope he’d cancel (and he does). I feel a wave of relief. Then we reschedule. And it repeats. (It's quite funny that we live in the same building.)

It’s a connection that exists in a perfect distance, always planned and not happening. Yet, somehow, it works. (I feel a relief.)

Okay, end of the story. And here is some serious thinking.

In the past, I would’ve rushed to fix these situations:

Do you want a divorce or not? Sign the papers.

You want stability? Stop running.

You want to meet up? Show up. How hard is that?

But now, I’m more curious.

What purpose/needs are these dynamics serving?

What are they maintaining?

What would happen to the narratives (and the system) if we change one thread, one behavior, one tiny detail?

In my previous psychotherapy training, I’ve learned to see life through the lens of systems.

Nothing happens in isolation. Every situation, every emotion, is part of something bigger. One thread pulls another. And each story has multiple threads.

What feels personal is often not just ours. What seems random is often tied to the unseen—unconscious patterns, cultural expectations, collective experiences, and even spiritual forces.

What makes perfect sense in one culture can feel utterly baffling in another. What feels right today might not make any sense tomorrow.

And maybe, what looks like avoidance or chaos is actually a system doing exactly what it’s designed to do.

And there is no problem. 

The last part is purely my own imagination, and can be totally delulu, but maybe, maybe -

1, Nobody wants a real divorce. Not the papers, not the lawyers. But my friend—she wants to show just how sure she is about leaving. After decades of being shut out and silenced. Maybe, maybe this is her way of saying: I matter.

2, Friend C dreams of a home. A place to belong, to root, to rest. But every time she gets close, fear takes over. Maybe it's because she’s never truly had one—not in the way that matters-- The walls hold warmth and love, not coldness. The doors open to coziness and safety, not chaos.

3, They both want to catch up, get a fresh coffee and take a walk, and share the weight of their lives. But maybe, for reasons one (or both) can’t name something unspoken after the misunderstanding. The desire to connect is real. So is the need to avoid. Both are true, and both deserve to be.