Note: This is a delulu story I made up in my head. As a lifelong psychology student, I have to point out that all made-up stories are unreliable (so don’t take any of them too seriously). But sometimes, the real answers and true life might just be hidden within those fabricated tales.
They were singing Hallelujah at an intimate birthday party. The piano was spiritual and soft, and this song has a way of reaching right into you.
It’s been a while since she’s felt that kind of connection—emotionally, with old friends, and physically, with San Francisco itself. The city that used to hold her in all her shades, the good, the bad, and the ones in between.
Before she knew it, her mind went blank. And then some tears came down, the quiet kind that comes without warning. But then suddenly, it turned into an open, public, unguarded cry.
Goddamn it! Feelings! Big feelings!
She ran into the bathroom and sobbed on the toilet, the tears seemed unstoppable. She didn’t know what was going on with her. It wasn’t in her mind but in her body (spoiler: when we can’t express emotions, they express themselves somatically. Well, they have to come out somehow!)
She was in the bathroom for about ten minutes when an alarm went off in her head—Pull yourself together. Public cry?! O. M. G. DISASTER!
This had never happened before. She’d either walk out of the room when it got too intimate or, rather, she’d quickly joke about random things and make people laugh to off-balance the closeness (and her disowned, uncomfortable feelings).
She called her friend J and told him about this disaster. “You have a vulnerability issue, I told you.” J was blunt.
He at least has told her three times that she’d better deal with her vulnerability otherwise it would backfire or sabotage her life. But she never took it seriously.
But if she is being brutally honest, she can’t ignore some patterns of the old her: she couldn’t say “I love you” in any of her relationships; she’d check out and make jokes in group settings when things got a bit too emotional; she prefers texting to having face-to-face honest conversations; she can’t make eye contact when she feels vulnerable; she avoids situations where repair is actually needed; her body freezes when she needs to apologize in person; she’d rather act aloof than cry in public or ask for help; she interprets people’s kindness with a touch of defensive malice; she can’t even throw herself a farewell or birthday party; she keeps people at arm’s length; she feels more comfortable with strangers when she travels alone; she likes to sleep alone; she loves solo trips; the holiday season stresses her out… and the list is pretty obvious.
No, I do not have that goddamn issue - she thinks.
A week after that birthday party, she "accidentally" walked into my therapy room. After our first session, I wrote in my notes:
Fundamentally anxious + defensively avoidant.
Alright, that’s the end of the story. More serious thoughts will be shared in the next blog post.
(That being said, to be continued.)