"It seemed an advantage to be traveling alone. Our responses to the world are crucially molded by the company we keep, for we temper our curiosity to fit in with the expectations of others.”
— Alain de Botton, *The Art of Travel*
One year ago, my dear friend Alex and I wrote down our “Ideal Life List.” The first thing on my list was: to take at least one solo trip every year (at least 7 days away from everything).
During that time, a tough career change left me scraping the bottom of my identity (a first-world problem, I know!). On top of that, other life transitions took place at the same time, which took so much air and so much space and I didn't have much left for anything else. My life, friendships and relationships started to rearrange themselves.
I also realized I was no longer "young" in my young adulthood and could no longer ignore the responsibilities I'd put off during my twenties. All of sudden, all the parties, social life, and events around me stopped feeling fulfilled. It forced me to reevaluate my life.
That was when we sat down in Alex's backyard and wrote down the list and the life I wanted-what to let go of, and where to improve. The top three things that mattered most were：
My “Self,” fulfilling work, and authentic relationships.
A year later, I have completed three solo trips in three countries, one for work, and the rest were purely solo experiences for myself. For almost a year, I’ve been living out of a single suitcase, working and traveling. I can confidently say that traveling alone is already in my wheelhouse now - but I wasn’t like this before.
Thanks to a mix of Asian culture and my upbringing (well, I truly believe many Asian women’s upbringing is the byproduct of a specific component in Asian culture), in my early twenties, my life had always revolved around demanding jobs, for better or worse. Because I never learned how to be a home for myself, both professionally and personally. I’d pick up my boss’ calls at 3 am. And I had barely lived alone. It's not that I was particularly dependent, but rather, in both a societal and personal sense, I didn't know where my sense of self-worth lay without consistent external feedback.
We often say that a person should have self-worth, but self-worth is an internal program. Without a solid internal sense of "Self," it is difficult to trust others. If we aren't able to be honest with ourselves, it will be impossible to keep our promises to others. Because without this sense of self, who will do the work of trusting and loving? And who will receive it when it is reciprocated? I know this because I have been on both ends of the spectrum. I know this because I have made my own mistakes and maybe learned some lessons along the way too.
This lack of "Self" perfectly explains human defenses. It's like wearing the wrong lenses that cause us to misinterpret others' actions of kindness. It's not that we don't want kindness, but when it feels alien, our minds create stories to fill the gaps. These stories often have little to do with reality and more to do with our past experiences - We were hurt or not. Cut wide open or not. Loved or abandoned. We all have learned our very subjective and personal interpretation of life lessons.
But we are talking about real life here - it's not only impossible but also inhumane to escape to Bali, meditate for a month, and "eat, pray, love." Self-awareness and escapism are worlds apart. The truth is, wherever there are people, there are complexities, defenses, and reactions—most of which occur on a subconscious level. When we choose a partner, a job, or a social life, is it truly a sincere choice made with complete self-honesty, or is it an unconscious response to the complexities of our lives? I am not saying this is good or bad, and it doesn't make any less of each other's "truth."
But, what is the antidote in our busy daily life?
My short answer is Alone Time, especially when you least want to be alone.
This might sound cliché, especially in today's culture of "putting yourself first." While advocating for alone time has become a new symbol of independence, we often use distractions to fill the void of solitude. Instead of truly being alone, we escape our old lives, only to overcompensate in other areas.
But that's not what I'm saying here. It's not about how we present ourselves to the world or the many labels we adopt. There are no well-edited, dazzling Instagram photos to document this. Instead, it's about cultivating a precious and perhaps painful period of time and space for myself once a year. During this time, I sit with myself, disentangle from everything, allow myself to experience all feelings and doubts, be honest about my wants and needs, and adjust my life in a more authentic and nurturing direction.
Solo trips provide me with both a new outer space (a new country) and an inner space (time with myself). To be fully transparent, most of my solo trips have been less pleasant than I expected. They are often uncomfortable and challenging, yet ultimately inspiring and wonderful.
Here are some tips to survive (and thrive in) solo trips:
Please give yourself permission to feel the "downs", especially the first couple of days.
Traveling in an alien country often means long flights with layovers. It physically challenges you, not to mention you will be relying on yourself, navigating all the logistics and safety. When I get physically tired or weak, my emotional tolerance runs low-I'd become impatient and irritable.
Don’t fight the "downs", don’t resist it, and don’t try to pretend that it’s not real, it is. Try your best to sleep as much as possible, and prepare some healthy snacks with you. You will be surprised how much your mood will improve the next day if you take care of your body.
You will have one or two really tough days when the "aloneness" kicks in.
Day 2 is always the most challenging for me. After the first night's rest, I often go sightseeing in the new destination, exploring the freshest coffee place and maybe having some decent food. Then when I go back to my Airbnb place, looking at my completely empty calendar for the rest days, that's normally when the "aloneness" starts to kick in - what am I going to do with myself? After these years, I already know that when it happens it doesn’t really matter, just know that it will for sure, and it’s the birthplace of building a solid relationship with yourself. (You gotta know how to deal with yourself, and that's why you choose solo trips :p)
Keep an open mind, explore what you need and want, learn something new, and be there for yourself!
This part is my favorite, It feels like a program manager - only that my experience is my own product and I am my own manager!
For example, last summer when I was alone in Mexico City, I explored the city's top 15 coffee places. From the varieties, colors, and roasting of coffee to its taste, from the cultivation and import of coffee beans to the training and life stories of baristas, I've delved deeply into every aspect. One day, it got so intense that my hands wouldn't stop shaking from all the coffee I drank, but it was all worth it! Only by thoroughly understanding a city's specific symbols can you truly connect with its place and culture. You need to put your previous work stress and relationships out of your mind and immerse your body and soul into the rich aroma of the coffee, and even the quirky tremble of your hands. While others talk about Latin salsa dance, I know the ins and outs of that city's coffee beans.
This is when life happens.
Being on solo trips is painful and wonderful. It's so beautiful and so sad like the truth often is - Rediscovering myself in this year (and in the past five years) was everything.
Along the way, I’d say the most transformative and empowering growth I have manifested is a solo attitude in my daily mundane routines: I crave and provide personal space (physically and emotionally) to myself. I make sure I own the minimum items in my life and invest my energy and resources into authentic connections and relationships. I am learning how to be honest with my needs and wants. I am learning how to honor my own experiences, for good or bad, or somewhere in between. I am also slowly learning how to open up my heart to people I care about, as well as the risk of getting hurt.
Typing here, I think of Nietzsche's quote, "[They] who have a why to live can bear almost any how," further popularized by Viktor Frankl in Man's Search for Meaning.
This quote has been coming up for me frequently in this past year, as I've begun my journey to become a psychotherapist, an honest human being, and a home for myself. Suddenly, all the irritants have become small, tolerable, and even things to look forward to—they've become my "bearable hows."
When we go solo, we go deep.