When clients (people/egos) decide to walk into the therapy room, they also have prepared to project out their tragedy, most of the time, with a “story”. They would tell me that life just happens to them, and they don’t have a choice. Maybe further, they would fantasize about a hero figure or some higher power to rescue them.

In a nutshell, they don’t feel they have Agency. (They pick up the role of “victim”, and sometimes, even the mentality of “victimhood.”)

I believe in any therapeutic work, my job is to MIRROR back whatever they tell me. “David, I hear you. I hear so much pain and grieving. I feel heartbroken for you. It would be so great if someone could save us from that tragedy. It would feel so great if there is someone. “

Once I mirror back, their “self” is confirmed. This confirmation has a huge power to recall some certainty in their “inner child” with the absent caregiver (in most cases, the mom). It’s also the birthplace of self-esteem: My feelings and experiences are validated. My “self” is confirmed no matter what I am going through.

Once the “self” gets confirmed, the change begins. “Tom, yes, it would be great if XYZ happens. AND that’s not how it is. Should we talk about how we deal with things as they are?”

I personally would like to view Agency as an integral and conscious mindset - the “Self” who honors her needs as well as accepts her flaws. She has confirmed self-esteem and strength. It might sound like a voice saying, “I can say no. I might mess up here and there. I am fallible. AND I am still accepted. AND if not, I am happy about this. AND I don’t need any approval from other people.”

Day in and day out, one session after another, I start to feel a deep sense of gravity, and many deep "sighs" through and beyond people's narratives and suffering. I can’t help but wonder - how on earth different are we?

Perhaps, my own agency lies in all these non-dual, messy, and ambivalent moments called life.